Losing My Home

Hi, it's been awhile. I haven't been well.

At the end of January, I lost my home - and by this, I don't mean losing my apartment in Los Angeles. I mean losing the safety of the person I trusted most, who made everywhere I go feel like home: my partner.

Chris decided out of nowhere late one night to end our relationship of 9 years, which totally blindsided me... and still hasn't given specific reasons why. Aside from a vague "I felt like something was off with our relationship but can't actually say what this means" (this has never been expressed before, despite me asking often if anything could be made better), and that my "love was wrong" for Chris (I have no idea what this means because I love in a LOT of ways, and only got "idk" when I asked), I haven't been given any clarity for why this had to happen. Chris refused to talk it out or even try to fix any perceived flaws.

I'd always thought ours was a good relationship... "good" because I've communicated as straightforwardly as I can, asking how Chris is doing, and was never told otherwise. The only pain we ever experienced in our relationship was from external factors, such as financial troubles or dealing with the pandemic/massive health crises, and from what Chris said there's nothing I did that even prompted all this? There was also the betrayal of Chris telling me about having feelings for a friend and had told her (I only discovered this when Chris was wanting to break up...), and though apparently "nothing had moved forward" it hurt immensely and seriously affected my self-confidence. I've continued to approach things with warmth and understanding, to listen and be there for Chris just like always, despite not receiving that same care back... a complete 180 flip from the entirety of our experience together.

I sincerely hate to say it, but even though Chris claimed wanting to "stay friends" with me, I haven't been treated in a friendly way at all.

I was thrust into a situation where I suddenly had to find an entire place to live, figure out new health insurance, and pack everything I owned (after splitting things with Chris since we bought everything together) all by myself within the span of a month and on a $0 budget. Chris and I continued sharing a space during that time where I was essentially ignored a majority of it, Chris refusing to listen or give further answers for my questions. I remained as cheerful and loving as possible despite my heartache and Chris' stonewalling, only being conversed with if the topic was light and not related to our relationship, but ended up having intense panic attacks most nights. At any sign of emotional display, Chris would shut the door to keep from hearing me cry (and actually ended up shutting the windows to prevent neighbors from hearing my sobbing, without even checking on me). The amount of guilt tripping has been terribly hurtful, being told that Chris had "done everything" without recognizing how much I'd put into our relationship, and that I was "taking everything" like I hadn't had my entire life uprooted and my future forcibly removed. The only thing I can say Chris helped with was paying for the final rent and driving with me to a few places that were necessary, such as groceries (which were shared), as well as dropping me off at Universal Studios once before I wasn't able to utilize my season pass anymore... but that's really it.

Thankfully, I had some very dear friends who'd reached out a month or so before all of this happened to offer a comfortable situation when they found out my finances were bad, so I went to them first to ask if I could take them up on that. They were still 1000% down to make that happen, and found a good place that worked for us all in a short time! My official move out day was February 27th (Pokemon Day...), which was 90+ degrees blazing hot when my dad flew out to help me, my little sister Niki, and her husband Hank move everything into my big rental moving truck. Chris denied my family any closure of their own, leaving before they arrived.

the day I moved out I posted this with the caption "now and for always," which is a reference to the song of the same name from Visions of Mana

Emotional trauma aside, I'm sincerely grateful for the help I did receive when this all happened. Niki thankfully lived close enough to where she could pick me up after Chris decided all this, and I stayed with her for a week to give Chris and I some space; this was a blessing in disguise, for the sake of getting to become closer to her and her family. My very dear friend Edge hosted an art stream, where they took on commissions for the sake of getting me money for travel expenses... I'm still floored by the beautiful work they produced, and utterly grateful for their friendship. My family helped me immensely by footing a lot of the moving expenses so that I could travel to my next destination, Dad driving me all the way from Los Angeles to my new apartment and helping me get settled in. My friends Anthony and Rachael sent me cute things in the mail, encouraged me, and have helped me through such a horrible slog of feelings. So many other friends have also stepped up, offering spaces of their own, sending funds to help me get to my new apartment, checking up on and listening to me even weeks past the initial heartbreak... I can't thank you all enough for your presence and kindness.

Another of my biggest thank yous EVER to the two who worked hard to find and provide my final space: my darling friends Cin and Echo (you'll recognize them as Cat Burglar Games, creators of the game hoptix!)!! I'm so grateful to be in their presences every day, they make life so much more joyous by being a part of it and are making sure I feel comforted and safe. Even though I'm still going to be healing for some time, I'm very excited to share many adventures together and have already had a fantastic time hanging out. I love you two so much!!

So where is the landing spot with my two awesome roomies? It's a beautiful place that I'd never before seen before moving there: Salt Lake City, Utah!!! It seems like it'll be a super good location for me: it's surprisingly walkable and has great transit, which is fantastic as someone who doesn't own a car. It feels safe, there are tons of lovely spots that we've already happened across, and expenses are a fraction of what Los Angeles forced upon me. We also have an incredible view from our windows, featuring some of the most gorgeous skies I've ever witnessed. Plus I got to play in a bit of snow shortly after first arriving, which was wild after not seeing it for so long!

What has Alix been up to?